4: Who Hurt You?

Chapter 4 of "A River Trembles"

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The story began in A Grail for Eidothea. You really need to catch up to make sense of A River Trembles. Go on, save this post and go have a binge read. You deserve it.

Maeve fixed Eidothea’s and Llyr’s intimacy issues (a result of an ill-prepared Chosen Court bonding). Eidothea found out her role on the Chosen Court is a lot greater than Grealseeker or Prophet. She is the Monarch, the leader of the Chosen Court. She is in denial.

:But how am I not the prophet? I have had visions.: I looked back and forth between Llyr and Maeve, hoping this was some misunderstanding.

:The monarch has visions only in connection with the marks of those in the Chosen Court. You saw Llyr’s when you touched his.: Her gills vibrated. :In the past, the previous prophet becomes the Sage for the new Chosen Court. Thus, wisdom is handed down. Will you see if holds true this time?:

She uncoiled and paraded her enormous sinuous body past Llyr and I. Her scarred silver grey body coiled again. Maeve’s large eyes brimmed with hope. She raised her hand toward her mouth and on the back of it, shining blood-red, was the mark of a feather.

:I see it.: I reached out. :May I touch—:

Maeve placed her hand in mine. She shivered, a long shudder running down the length of her coiled body. How long had it been since another draig môr had touched her?

My fingers brushed her feather-mark. That touch plunged me into the past. I saw through Maeve’s eyes how the last Chosen Court monarch had died, and another was not born. Someone had to fill the position and so king after king stepped up until it became the custom.

I saw Maeve carry her stillborn child, find the cave, far away from all the politicking and there she waited … and waited …

A blue flash blinded me and the vision ended.

Releasing her, I whispered, :Oh, Maeve. I do not think this will be as easy as you say.:

Maeve blinked rapidly. :Perhaps not,: she managed.

I had no words for the heartache she experienced.

Llyr broke the silence. :We each have a mark. I, the Greal; Maeve, the feather; you, the torc. How do we find the rest?:

:The birthmark must be visible to both of you and invisible to one not of the Court. They may already be around you.:

I remembered the mark behind Jasper’s ear. :Are they … are they all accompanied by visions? Is that why I have them?: It could not be. It must not be.

Maeve nodded.

:Is there any chance such a mark means they are not of the Chosen Court?: My question sounded desperate even to me.

:They are always of the court.: Maeve’s serene regard held no curiosity.

I sagged, telling her anyway. :Then I may have found another already. The light was not bright enough to make out the mark clearly, just that he had one.:

:Who?: Both their questions blared in my mind.

:Jasper Tregallas.: I hated saying the name.

Water fizzed around Llyr’s quaking mane. :He tried to kill you!:

I recoiled from his anger and his hatred. :I do not like it either.:

:Perhaps he is the Sword? It is two-sided.: Maeve mused, unconcerned. :It would calm his family, perhaps, to know they are a part of the Chosen Court. You will have to go and find out, but first you must be accepted and publicly anointed.:

I squared my shoulders. We were back to that.

:How can he be a part of the Chosen Court?: Llyr protested. :He is half dreigiau môr. He wouldn’t survive the voyage to the city.:

:He needs only to have the blood of dreigiau môr in him,: Maeve replied. :The earliest Chosen Courts contained both those who accepted Morgaine’s gift and those who chose to remain on land, to ease the transition of our people from land to sea.:

:This bond I have with Llyr now. I—we—will we have it with Jasper as well if he becomes part of the Chosen Court?: The idea of Jasper knowing precisely how I felt turned my stomach, although knowing his feelings might prove helpful should he prove duplicitous again.

:The intensity resides between prophet and ruler. It is not as strong with the other Court members unless you are untrained to handle the bond.:

:I do not want him knowing what is in my mind. Lord Tregallas has already been summoned to present his case to the current king. I do not trust him.:

:He will not read your mind, girl, any more than you can read Llyr’s. You couldn’t divine he knew you were the ruler before we showed you. But Jasper will know your heart. The Chosen Court bonds in order to establish true heartfelt agreements, or an alert if one of you is in danger. The bond will not be as strong as the bond between Queen and Prophet. It is good that you two are friends already.: Maeve quirked an eyebrow. :Perhaps more. That will make it easier for the Court to succeed.:

:I do not relish a bond, even a light one, with one who betrayed me,: I stated.

Maeve’s mane, normally pinned back against her skull, flared into a silvery-white halo. :Then kill him.:

Horrified, I stared at her. :But—: Murder was a sanctioned option in dreigiau môr society?

:I’ll do it,: growled Llyr.

I flinched at his rage. :Not unless I say so,: I snapped at him.

Llyr reeled from my sudden anger. :I don’t understand. Do you …: His gills flattened against his neck. :You have feelings for him?:

Hastily, I repeated the shielding spell to keep him out. Now was not the time to probe into my feelings. I shivered. :The deep is getting to my bones.:

It was not entirely true and I avoided Llyr’s puzzled gaze.

Maeve bowed her head. :I will not be able to return with you to Caer Morgana. My body is too used to the deeps.:

:We will visit again,: I told her. :If there is a way for you to join us in the caer, I would welcome it.:

Maeve made a slow turn in an undulating, majestic motion. She slid into her cave, .

Llyr and I began our ascent. Neither Ceridwy nor Ondine waited for us outside Maeve’s abode and I felt both glad and bereft by their absence. Glad because it meant I could finally speak privately with Llyr. Bereft because even if they sided against me when they heard the truth, at least Llyr would have their full support.

I broke the silence first. :Llyr, we all expected you to be king. Are you at ease with being the prophet instead?: I was not quite ready to broach the subject of my heart.

:I think I already knew. It was only with you that the nightmares, your vision, eased.: He shared a memory. While I lay unconscious, recovering from Jasper’s blow, he had touched the birthmark on my chest. In the vision that resulted, light streamed green-blue through the waters. He and I stood together, but the golden torc lay around my neck, not his.

:I will be by your side until the end,: Llyr thought. :That will be enough for me. You’re the monarch and our bonding confirmed it. I must support you now.:

I had experienced coerced allies before. It had not ended well. :There are no ‘must’s in this. If you wish the crown, you can have it.:

:It’s not mine,: Llyr declared, making a quarter turn to observe me. :I have been learning the history of past prophets and Chosen Courts so that I may better serve you. You know I love you.:

His words stole my breath. The bonding had sent us into a passionate spiral. Yet it could not have happened unless I felt something for him too. Could it?

I let my shielding spell fade, his once subdued incessant emotions growing louder. His love flared, bright and pure.

:No secrets,: he promised, allowing his spell to fade too. :What else could it be but love? I’ve known you since we were children, and …: He paused, glancing away.

My mind filled with images of the beach as viewed from the ocean.

:I watched you for years.:

I saw my distant figure on the beach, wearing black. I knew that day. The day we buried my mother. Not permitted to attend the funeral, I had fled to the beach. I hid behind a big rock and sobbed. I let Llyr see and feel it from my perspective.

Even with the distance of time, my distress flared. Llyr took one of my hands.

In Llyr’s memory, my huddled form grew as he neared. He had left the sea and crouched near me, unnoticed. My long hair obscured my face. I felt as he felt. Worry and concern and … fear?

:What were you afraid of?:

He showed me another memory. His parents yelling at him, reminding him of all the horror stories of dreigiau môr interactions with humans.

:You were forbidden … and yet you came?:

:I could not stay away.:

I remembered the pretty arrangements of rocks and shells on the beach. :They were not accidents of nature.:

:No,: he replied. :I shouldn’t have let you face things alone then and I won’t let you face them alone now. I’m here to help bear the load. Will you tell me what troubles you? There is so much shame and guilt coming from you.:

I knew he felt my sudden fear. I decided to confess everything. Maybe it would not sound so bad aloud. :I have been a complete and utter fool.: I swallowed. :I fear you will not care much for me when I am done.:

:Unlikely.: He did not sound certain. The swirl of my emotions must be difficult for him to untangle as I refuse to even prod at that wound, despite the reminders of my failure.

:It will hurt you,: I warned. Llyr being tuned into my emotions, he would have the gist of it without me having to say a word. Yet, I had to speak and not rely on his deciphering our bond and misunderstanding. Or worse, understanding too well.

:You have said so.: Llyr executed a lazy roll as we continued to ascend. I felt his nervousness. :I can bear it.:

:You know how we have a faux engagement?:

Llyr frowned at my phrasing, but nodded.

:I…There is a second faux engagement, although the world above believes it to be real. I have lost track of the days, but soon all the banns will have been announced for me to wed the Honourable Mr. Jasper Tregallas.:

Llyr sputtered. His limbs peddled and his tail thrashed, disturbing the current. :How? Why? There’s nothing honourable about that family.:

:I quite agree. It is a courtesy title his father, Lord Tregallas, has somehow gained.:

Brow furrowed, Llyr seemed not to hear. :Jasper Tregallas? Jasper? … The man in the boat? The man who might be part of the Chosen Court? You—you loved him?:

His shock and grief dragged me into an emotional rip tide. He felt every one of my remembered feelings for Jasper, and the heartbreak his betrayal caused. A wave of my own sorrow washed back to me, mixed in with his devastation.

I steeled myself and recited the first half of the spell. I tried to explain. :I felt I could trust him. Not the rest of his family, but Jasper is—was—different. Without him, it would have taken me a lot longer to find the Greal.:

:You agreed to marry him?: Llyr murmured, anguished. :Because you love him?:

What did he sense in my tangled emotions? I hastened to clarify. :At first, no. There was no love. That …: Oh, I hated to say it, but with our bond, I could not hide the truth from Llyr. :That came later. My returning half-naked from the boating mishap was considered a scandal. An engagement was the only way to save my family’s reputation—:

:—Surely not as important as finding the Greal!: he burst out.

His pain plunged deep, traveling along the penetrating wound caused by Jasper. I swallowed. The shielding spell seemed no match for this. :The engagement allowed me to work with Jasper, Mr. Tregallas, to find the Greal, without raising suspicions.: If I stopped now, I would never say it. :Which we did, in Bath. We celebrated and my touch awakened a vision of my death at his hands, which very nearly came true.:

Llyr swam in front of me, halting our forward progress. He turned so our faces lay close, our bodies drifting together in the current. He cupped my whiskered face. :Tell me, Eidothea. How exactly did you celebrate? What did you do that resulted in touching him?:

:It was an impulsive act.: I shut my eyes and resumed chanting the shielding spell. He had already felt too much.

Merciless, Llyr pressed. His pain bore down on me, pushing through my spell. :There can be no secrets between prophet and ruler. How did you celebrate, Eidothea?:

:Like this.: My hands framed his face, my fingers slipping into his hair, behind his ears. It was not quite the same in our draig môr form, but I did my best.

Llyr closed his eyes and I felt his agony, then his anger. He fixed me with a cold stare. :I know enough about Above Sea and you that such an intimate position is very unusual.:

:Is it not enough that he tried to kill me? That I was horribly wrong about him?: A sob escaped my lips, but I met his troubled gaze. :Llyr, you are my dearest friend.:

He grimaced. :You loved him.: He canted his head. :No, you still love him. Even after what he’s done.:

:I honestly do not know how I feel about him.: I spoke in truth. I was too hurt to really know. Could Llyr be any better in untangling the emotions of my heart? :I just know I never want to see him again. Yet, I will have to face him again, maybe even work with him because he might be of the Chosen Court.:

Llyr moaned, a strangled roar, and twisted away from me. :That love I felt … that love was not for me. But him.:

I could not deny it. I had not expected to ruin our chances of success by allowing love to form with Jasper. Distrust now ran between Llyr and I. Our Chosen Court became fractured in more ways than one.

I was utterly alone.

Llyr cursed. :I thought that love was for me.: He pushed away from me and swam ahead.

I was not about to call him back.

Who hurt who? I think that’s today’s big question…

Today is the 1st anniversary of my publishing on Substack. Starting from a small group of 38, consisting of my old mailing list plus some loves from the first Substack Soiree class, we now number 179! Who’d have thought that many would be reading the journals I found in my attic? — And now I’ve started writing my own stories again.

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