18: But, Oh, That Summer Solstice Night

Chapter 18 of "A River Trembles", Book Two of The Môrdreigiau Chronicles

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The story began in A Grail for Eidothea. You really need to catch up to make sense of A River Trembles. Go on, save this post and go have a binge read. You deserve it.

Eidothea confronted Llyr about his avoiding her. He poked back by saying Jasper’s name. Emrys agreed to let Rhiannon reinvestigate the circumstances of his Consort Gorawyn’s death. The summer solstice celebrations resulted in everybody feeling particularly lustful. Eidothea left with Emrys.

What happened to you during the summer solstice of 1814?

I can’t breathe. Our dancing circle has already splintered and I am sinking, sinking. I reach the ground and I curl up. It doesn’t stop the fire blazing in my chest. It sears my lungs and scorches upward until I taste flames in the back of my throat.

Somehow I manage to crawl to the edge of the stone circle, past the stands of tightly fitted rock and into the blessed cool darkness that lies beyond.

I retch, purging my body of the Goddess’ gift that has somehow become poison. Is she displeased with me? Is that why I am denied the pleasure of a summer solstice eve?

Wiping my mouth, I roll onto my stomach and look up at the thin membrane that keeps us in these human shapes. No one has ever seen the Goddess, not since the first generation who accepted her gift and this new world. Still I wonder if She sees me, finds me wanting as a Prophet. I squeeze shut my eyes. She did the choosing.

I shift to my side, watching the revelry within. And revelry it is with hands exploring, mouths tasting, the stone circle slowly emptying as couples seek consummation in the ocean.

I look for Eidothea. Of course I look for her. How has the solstice brew affected her? Has the Goddess blessed or cursed her?

I catch sight of her pushing away from Ladon Tregallas. Her trajectory lands her back into the arms of the Esteemed.

Hands on each other’s waists, they look like the perfect couple, gazing into each other’s eyes. They lazily turn within the circle of the Esteemed’s hair, so long that it spirals around them, a loose protective cocoon. Eidothea’s brown curls float in wild abandon about her head.

I watch them leave the circle. Pain afflicts me again. Not just heartache but real agony. I curl up into a ball, retching and spitting out the remaining contents of my stomach. I ache and I burn all over and it is not remotely pleasant.

Nothing happened. Outside the stone circle, the water temperature dropped, cooling our heated bodies. We did not touch once on our return journey. We both knew we would fall and tumble if we did.

Instead of accompanying me to our shared hallway, Emrys paused. :I will take a walk. You… you should probably lock your door.:

I did. Rhiannon could sort out other sleeping arrangements if she chose to return that night. I did not see her again until morning.

Whatever Angharad added to the summer solstice brew, I didn’t like how it made me feel out of control. After the dance disintegrated into small groups and couples, I left. I couldn’t stand to see the Esteemed dancing with Eidothea and it was time to examine the reasons why. Was I being protective of her?

I chose the palace gardens, finding a quiet grotto in which to consider this strange jealousy. He’d agreed to allow me to reinvestigate Gorawyn’s murder, with his help, so why did that mean I had some sort of claim upon him? I did this for his dead wife, my best friend. She needed justice. I needed justice.

I curled up into a ball. My eidetic memory couldn’t fool me. He’d been kind, if sorrowful, when he agreed to reopen Gorawyn’s case, and had been attentive and helpful when we reviewed the few known facts.

The current shifted, water pushing toward the grotto’s entrance. I lifted my head and a figure stumbled into the dark space.

He barked a spell to bring a light into being near him.

:Esteemed?: I blurted.

Startled, he sent the light spiraling to the ceiling, where it tangled among the seaweed fronds. :Why are you here?: He staggered toward me, his limbs off-kilter, deeply under the influence of the solstice brew.

I tried to get to my feet, failed, and floated up a little way like a heavy bubble. I managed to straighten my limbs. :It is chaos out there. I came to find peace, to settle the roaring in my blood.:

Emrys groaned. :Is it working? Please tell me it’s working.:

My every sense grew aware of him, prickling under my skin. :Not … yet.:

He swayed toward me.

:What of Eidothea?: I asked, fighting off the urge to slip closer to him. This can’t be happening. Panic and desire rose in equal measure. :You didn’t take her out to the dragon dances?:

:I wanted to and I didn’t want to. The wanting is physical, but she is unused to our ways and I think—: He blinked, losing track of his thought. :I think this was Angharad’s trap for her, to break our trust, build a barrier between us.:

:You … you like her?: I couldn’t believe I asked the question. Hadn’t he already told me he didn’t consider her a bride?

He shook his head. The waves hypnotically ran down his long long hair with each shake. :She’s a fine young woman with plenty of determination. I could … I could marry her and thus stay in the palace but—: Again he shook his head. His gaze met mine, and his grey eyes held the heat of hot coals. :I’m tired of talking. I want you, Rhiannon.:

I backed off a step, a tiny one, because the solstice fire within me burned for him too. :This is a bad idea. I don’t like you, remember?:

:Yes,: he agreed with a crooked smile. :It is a bad idea.:

He swooped forward and embraced me. I didn’t fight him. We sank to the ground, his long hair curtaining the outside world from view. We clung together, our passion rising to dizzying heights. We wanted more than human-shaped flesh would permit. Total union. I wanted it. I wanted him.

:Come with me,: his whisper curled around my vitals.

:Yes.: I moaned.

Entwined, we left the grotto and the palace gardens. We abandoned the conceit of our human forms, swimming until we reached the palace gate. We passed through and assumed our dreigiau môr forms.

:You are like the sea,: he whispered. :Untameable, wild.:

He reminded me of a summer storm, my scales searing beneath his touch. We grasped and grappled with each other before flowing into a wilder semblance of the dragon dance, the mating ritual for all dreigiau môr.

Afterward, we floated together, entangled, breathless. The demanding heat of Lady Angharad’s summer solstice potion had been satisfied. I drifted into sleep, too exhausted to consider what he had done. What I had done.

The next morning, I woke in the palace gardens with no recollection of how I got there. I squinted at my surroundings, the cacophony of bright red and orange flowering corals too bright for my hungover gaze.

Hungover, I blinked. The memories rushed in. Of trying to escape arousal only to consummate it with my best friend’s husband.

I covered my face. This shouldn’t have happened. How could I have betrayed her so? Even if I blamed Angharad’s machinations. Ah, Gorawyn! Will you ever forgive me?

It was never meant to happen. I clung onto that thought. I wouldn’t let it prevent me from investigating Gorawyn’s death. I just had to find the courage to face the Esteemed.

I rose and made my way back to the rooms I shared with Eidothea. The morning grew late. Many went about their day. I received the occasional glance of commiseration. I suspect many had had their desires slaked last night, also caught up in Lady Angharad’s spell.

I reached our chambers and glanced in the mirror. My lips were swollen, my white-blonde hair tangled. My belt slung low and loose over my hips, creating a deep V of visible flesh. I looked as wanton as I felt.

It troubled me that I wondered at once what the Esteemed would say if he saw me like this. Would he still want me or had last night been purely the potion’s fault?

When I finished putting myself to rights, I ventured out in search of Eidothea. I knew her day’s schedule. She and the Esteemed sat in the Council chambers talking over the meeting’s events.

Eidothea greeted me cheerily. The Esteemed grunted something that might have been a greeting.

Their conversation drew to an end. :Go study,: he told Eidothea.

She nodded and we both rose, heading for the door.

:Bard, a moment, please.:

I stilled, shivering at his thought.

Eidothea paused, looking over her shoulder at us with a quizzical expression.

He waved her away. :Have a few moments of quiet. I will discuss your next lesson with Rhiannon. We won’t be long.:

Excited to have some free time, Eidothea made her escape before the Esteemed changed his mind.

I smiled after her, that smile fading as I faced him. :What do you wish me to discuss with her?:

He looked down, smoothing his lapel. :Whatever you like. I wished a moment to speak to you. After last night—:

:Last night didn’t happen,: I interrupted. :We got caught up in Lady Angharad’s spell, that’s all.:

:But—: he paused. :Even so, perhaps in private we may address each other by name instead of title?:

I shook my head. It made last night real, but calling him by his title instead felt … odd. I changed my mind and nodded, accepting his crumb of pity, of truce. Even that agreement felt like betraying Gorawyn. A sob rose in my throat, choking me. I ducked my head.

:Gorawyn is dead, Rhiannon,: he murmured.

I struggled to regain my equilibrium, not quite succeeding. :I don’t want to betray her, even in death,: I eventually managed to get out. :Are we agreed we’ll continue as if we hadn’t—:

:Made the most passionate love I’ve ever experienced?: Rawness sliced his thought. Was that disappointment? Desire? :If you wish it, Rhiannon, I’ll abide by your choice.:

I nodded, ducking my head and made a swift exit. Shaking, I hastened down the hallway, his words ringing in my ears. The most passionate love? Why would he tell me that?

Brushing away the thoughts, I entered Eidothea’s sitting room.

She sat at the window, staring out at the gardens below. She looked over her shoulder at me. :Should we talk about last night?:

Rhiannon frowned at me. :What do you mean? Surely we’ve exhausted the topic while we prepared for it.:

I gestured she join me on the window seat. :You didn’t warn me about the desire… the wanting.: I did not quite know how to explain it.

:Did the Esteemed not tell you? It was his sister’s doing.: Rhiannon looked wary, making me doubt her, but Emrys had indeed already related Lady Angharad’s mischief. :The dragon dance is a choice, never forced.: Her lips pressed shut.

What had happened to her last night? Had she danced? I dared not ask. :Talking about this is difficult, but Rhiannon, I need your advice.:

She brightened. :Of course. I hear Above Sea, young women don’t get to experience desire much.:

:Oh but I have,: I replied. :That’s why I need your advice about this…feeling.:

:I’m listening.:

I took a steadying breath. :The first time I felt like that was in Jasper Tregallas’s arms.:

:The one who betrayed you,: she reminded me.

Grimacing, I nodded. :Before he betrayed me—: I felt proud of being able to say that without hesitating in shame over the word. :Before he betrayed me, he loved me. That desire was like the desire I felt last night but—:

Rhiannon waited for me to gather my thoughts.

:When Llyr bonded with me, we felt each other’s emotions like our own. All of them. Desire and love were the strongest. We began to slake that passion, that love. I didn’t know where he ended and I began. I didn’t know which were my feelings and which were his. It felt much as it did to love Jasper.:

:But not quite?: Rhiannon put in. The little frown on her forehead clashed with her kind expression.

I nodded. :Last night, I desired to be with a man. At first I thought any man could satisfy my longings. I would have gone with the Esteemed had he asked me. But the moment I saw Ladon Tregallas, I knew it wasn’t just any desire I felt but…: I trailed off, feeling for Jasper’s button beneath my robe.

:You want not just any man, but Jasper, the one who betrayed you.: I should have been surprised by her perception, even hurt, but she had spoken kindly. :He betrayed you, Eidothea. You should find someone who will love you without having that fear hang over you.:

:Like Llyr?: I do not know why I said his name, except, of course, he had already made his feelings known.

:It does not have to be him, but someone who’ll be loyal to you, who’ll love you for who you are.:

:Not Jasper then. He’s one I should hate. The one who is probably dead, if what the Tregallases say is true. I’d—I’d like to find out if he lives.:

:And what will you do then?: Rhiannon asked, gazing at me with sympathy.

:That I do not know.: I wrung my hands. :But I need to know if he lives and…: I glanced up at Rhiannon. :There’s a chance he’s a member of the Chosen Court.:

Her green-eyed gaze widened. :Then we should find out.:

Her support heartened me. I had expected her to tell me to forget him, to set him aside, but she encouraged me to face my fear and not hide. :The Esteemed has said he would escape to the ocean for a few hours. He once offered to take me some time. Do you think we could go further?:

:You have an afternoon session with him. Why don’t you ask him then?:

:Will you come with us?:

:If he agrees.: Rhiannon blinked in surprise. :Why would you ask me along?:

:It might be my Above Sea inhibitions, but it seems improper to go off with the Esteemed alone.: I ducked my head before daring to see her reaction.

:You’ll have a cadre of his personal guard with you. You’ll hardly be alone.: She seemed amused, although her pale cheeks grew rosy. :He’ll want to help you because it involves the Chosen Court, but not so much if it concerns your personal life.:

:I know that,: I replied, frowning. :But he also knows Jasper and I have kissed. He might not believe me.:

:He might not want to go that far from Caer Morgana either. You won’t know until you ask.:

That afternoon, The Esteemed seemed determined to cram in everything he had been taught by his parents and mentors. In a moment’s pause, I asked for a favour.

He blinked. :What is it?: He saw me glance at Rhiannon. :That look worries me. This is why I don’t grant favours immediately. Tell me.:

:You promised you would take me to the ocean for a respite from all this.: I waved at the room around me, lined with portraits of past Esteemeds.

:I did.: His gaze narrowed, waiting me out.

I outlined my plan to confirm Jasper as a potential new member of the Chosen Court. :Now, while the days are long, I could have my answer and we could be back in Caer Morgana before the end of the day.:

Emrys did not answer immediately. He stared through me, deep in thought. His gaze focused, piercing me. With care, he asked, :If we go to the house you grew up in, would you want to leave it?:

:I miss my father, but the fate of the world lies in my hands. Not to be too dramatic about it.: I ruefully smiled.

Emrys chuckled and glanced at Rhiannon. :Forgive me, but I need to speak privately now with Eidothea.:

:If it’s about Jasper, she knows all about him,: I told him. :You do not need to keep this a secret from her.:

He acknowledged Rhiannon with a nod, a small smile on his lips. He turned to me. :You loved this man once. Is that why you want to go back?:

:It is one of the reasons,: I admitted, ignoring Rhiannon’s gasp in my mind. Had she forgotten that Emrys could discern truth?

:And would you come back if he still loves you?: He leaned back, observing me.

My hands clenched in my lap, chills dancing over my skin. :He betrayed me. I do not see how that is an option.:

Emrys sighed. :That is not how love works. It comes upon us unwilling and unready at times. We make mistakes and spend our lives yearning for their forgiveness if it is not readily offered.:

:I cannot forgive him.: I sensed Rhiannon’s discomfort and wondered at it. She had seemed so supportive before.

Emrys brought me back to the present. :You must make me a vow. That at the end of this trip you will return to Caer Morgana with me, whether or not you have your answer of him still being alive, or if he’s part of the Chosen Court, or even if he loves you and you love him.:

It seemed easy enough. :I promise.:

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