32: This Is Not A Love Song

Chapter 32 of "A River Trembles", Book Two of The Môrdreigiau Chronicles

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The story began in A Grail for Eidothea. You really need to catch up to make sense of A River Trembles. Go on, save this post and go have a binge read. You deserve it.

The Great Examination concluded. Llyr is so exhausted he agreed to stay at the palace. Rhiannon is concerned about Emrys’ health, fearing poison. She is reassured by him it’s not. Llyr saw a touching moment between Emry and Eidothea and if his stormy expression is anything to go by, he is not happy about it.

Llyr felt my guilt through our bond. I sensed his recognition of it in his surge of anger. He strode forward. Behind me, Emrys excused himself and closed his door.

:Llyr,: I began.

:You and your Emrys seem cozy enough.: Llyr’s clipped thought shook me.

:He’s not my—: My thought froze, remembering how Emrys and I had left the solstice festival together. Many had paired up that night. :You are mistaken.:

:Is this why you had me come stay at the palace, so I would know that all this emotion I’ve been feeling from you is not for me, but for him?:

I shook my head, reaching out to him, but he retreated. :Llyr, no, that is not — We are friends, but I am not in love with him.:

:You left with him at the summer solstice.: Energy fading, Llyr leaned against the wall near his suite, arms folded.

:Is this why you have been avoiding me?: I seethed, just a little bit. A misunderstanding easily rectified and yet Llyr had let it fester. :Nothing happened,: I growled, drawing closer to Llyr.

Llyr retreated a step. :Most of the caer succumbed and yet you didn’t? The Eidothea I know would never behave like that.:

I stumbled back, gaping at the sudden gap between us. :Behave like what?:

:You’re inexperienced. How could you—:

I slapped him hard, arresting his thought. :How dare you? I have lived here for months, absorbing everything about dreigiau môr customs and society. I am no longer the bashful Above Sea creature who does not know her way around. But I did not —do that— with Emrys.:

He stared at me and then past me. He bowed. I looked over my shoulder. Maeve stood at the far end of the hall. I bowed my head. When I looked back, Llyr had gone, his door closing behind him.

:You two are getting along well I see. What was that about?: Maeve asked, approaching.

I glanced down and relaxed my fists. :Like everyone else, he thinks Emrys and I are in love. That what he’s been receiving from me is my love for Emrys. How can he not know that what’s in my heart is not for Emrys?:

Maeve sighed. :Or for Llyr? Who does your heart pine for?:

I bit my lip. :It can’t be Jasper. Llyr saved my life, he’s been steadfast. I like him. He’s a better choice.:

Maeve’s eyebrows rose, her gills flattening against her neck. She released her tension with a sigh. :Follow me.:

Obediently, I fell in behind her, quailing when she paused outside Llyr’s door. She called out and Ondine bid us enter.

Llyr paced the room, gesticulating wildly but stilled on seeing me behind Maeve. :No,: he said in a cold quiet voice. :Whatever it is, not now, Maeve.:

:Tomorrow then.: Maeve held her ground. :You both have training to do. Not only to bond with Ondine and I but to manage the bond between the two of you. Neither of us wants to be in the middle of your constant wilful misunderstandings and assumptions.:

I was too busy trying not to flee the room to protest. Llyr gathered himself to respond, but Maeve stayed him with a hand.

:First because of the block, then Llyr’s coma, you both have not had the necessary practice to become used to each other’s mental proximity. Tomorrow, I will teach you and you will practice.: Maeve glanced at me. :Clear your schedule, Eidothea, and make time in the days to come to practice this skill with Llyr.:

We sat in the palace gardens. Maeve had deemed the location as free of distractions. Llyr and I sat on the stone bench in front of her, a few handspans between us.

:I am sure Rhiannon could tell a story or two about stormy relationships between Prophet and Monarch, but I can’t recall any besides my own with Urien.: She fixed me with her stern grey gaze. :You’ll learn how to discern emotions. From there, you’ll learn how patterns of these will identify who the other is thinking about or interacting with, if you are not in the same space as they.:

Maeve asked me to begin. She named an emotion for me to replicate and for Llyr to identify. Thinking about an emotion as opposed to feeling it is quite difficult. We switched and through our bond, I sensed Llyr also struggle.

:In future, name the emotion to the other while you’re in the midst of feeling it. It will not take long for the other to name it before you do. Practice now. Talk about different things to trigger various emotions and we will start a new lesson next week.:

Focusing on determining the other’s emotions took the angry heat out of our interactions. By unspoken agreement, we dared not examine how we felt about each other.

As I went about my day, no matter what my occupation, I shared my state of mind. Truthfully, we’d both become used to being in each other’s minds in this way and this new practice kept the overwhelm at bay. Unless I thought about Jasper. I banished all thoughts of him until I mended my relationship with Llyr, but that proved impossible.

The next week, Maeve reconvened class. This time we met in one of the small drawing rooms in the palace. She told us to sit facing each other and we obeyed.

:I will give Llyr a person to think about. Eidothea, name the emotions and if you succeed in that, see if you can name the person.:

I bit my lip. This seemed like quite the challenge.

:Let’s begin.: She took a seat by the window. I sensed her communicate with Llyr.

I closed my eyes to free myself of distractions. :Affection?: I focused. :It’s stern but warm … protectiveness? Humorous but there’s superiority there.: I opened my eyes. :Ondine?:

:The last was tolerance, not superiority.: Llyr informed me.

I rather thought I was right.

:Feel it all again,: Maeve said to us. :Until you get it completely correct.:

We repeated the test until I named each emotion quickly. Maeve moved Llyr onto the next subject.

:Again, affection. A spiritedness… Exhilaration? And … and trust?:

:Yes,: Llyr affirmed. :Can you name who?:

I sorted through the various emotions and a face popped into my mind. :Cychwr.:

We ran through a few more before the roles reversed.

:Ondine,: Maeve thought at me. I pictured Llyr’s sister in my mind.

:Amusement. Trust. Awe. Appreciation.:

:Yes.: I opened my eyes.

:But who?: Llyr’s face creased in concentration.

:Are there no other emotions, Eidothea?: Maeve prompted.

She was Llyr’s sister. Someone I had grown to lean on when Llyr was inaccessible. Her healing work—

:Ondine,: Llyr murmured. :I thought it might have been Maeve?: His eyes widened. :You feel this way about my sister?:

:She’s an amazing young woman, or had you not noticed?: I smiled.

:Let’s repeat,: said Maeve.

When Llyr’s responses came at a satisfactory rate, Maeve gave me another name. :Cychwr.:

I smiled. Cychwr and I had by necessity grown closer while caring for Llyr in the dungeon.

:Cywchr,: Llyr blurted.

:The emotions first,: Maeve reproved.

:But they are exactly how I feel about him,: Llyr protested, then sighed. :Trust, affection, a sense of adventure.: He grinned. :He told you about his sailing days.:

:Some of it,: I acknowledged, :while we were imprisoned.:

:And sober too.: Llyr gave a low mental whistle of surprise.

:Next,: Maeve interposed. To me, :Emrys.:

:Admiration, affection, frustration, concern.: Llyr frowned. :It’s a bit like how I feel about Ondine, but you don’t have a sibling. Do you?:

I shook my head.

:Let us try another, less complicated one.: To me, she added, :Jasper Tregallas.:

I snorted. Llyr could probably read the answer in my expression.

To his credit, he took the exercise seriously. :Guilt, shame, and … something broken.:

:Focus,: Maeve murmured. I closed my eyes.

:Affection. No, deeper than that. Fear, or excitement.:

:Or both,: I supplied.

Maeve sighed. :Let’s try a simple one.: She gave me a name.

:Sorrow,: Llyr said at once. :Adoration. Bittersweet.: He paused. :Your mother?:

:Good,: said Maeve. :Let’s go back to the previous one.:

Again, Llyr repeated the emotions he’d correctly sensed earlier. :This is— how did I not know this before? Ah, it’s more tempered, not like when we first bonded.: He looked at me in triumph, unsmiling. :Jasper Tregallas.:

:Let’s try something a little different,: Maeve said, adding to me, :Think of Emrys, then Llyr.:

Llyr recognised the first at once. :This is someone who feels like an older brother.: He repeated the emotions. :Wait, is this what you feel about me?:

:Maybe,: I murmured, careful to include Maeve.

Closing my eyes, I pictured Llyr in the spring house, Llyr running into the ocean ahead of me, Llyr teaching me how to move as a draig môr. Llyr lying terrifyingly still on a cot in a dungeon. Llyr as brother, as guide, Llyr my prophet.

:Are you trying to trick me? This is the Esteemed.:

I grimaced. :It most certainly is not.:

:This is how you felt last week in the hallway. How is it not him?:

:Because I wonder how you’re healing, when I will see you next. I daydream about us working together, like we first dreamed.:

Llyr leaned back, staring at me. :Then who is the older brother?:

:Emrys,: Maeve and I said.

He stood. :You’re attracted to him.:

:Llyr…: I sighed. :He’s handsome and kind, but no, I’m not especially attracted to him.:

:But you felt—:

:Appreciation for his looks. He has been a friend and ally, Llyr. He’s not a stranger to me, like he is to you.: I watched him pace.

He stared at me, running a hand over his hair, tangling his fingers in his braids. He sighed. :I’m tired.: He bowed, more to Maeve than I, and quitted the room.

:Why does he not believe me?: I rubbed my head, sending my curls into a Medusa-like dance.

:Do you really need to ask that question?: Maeve patted my shoulder. :Give him some time, Eidothea. He has a lot to process.: She headed for the door. :But I still want the two of you to practice.:

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