21: Yesterday's Regrets

Chapter 21 of "A River Trembles", Book Two of The Môrdreigiau Chronicles

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The story began in A Grail for Eidothea. You really need to catch up to make sense of A River Trembles. Go on, save this post and go have a binge read. You deserve it.

Eidothea is shook by Jasper’s written confession. She finds Jasper in the garden and is shocked by the damage wrought by his father’s goons. He apologises. She checks behind his ear for the Chosen mark and finds it. Will the vision be the same or different?

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I saw us in Sydney Gardens amidst the bushes in a passionate embrace. I saw us on the mist-clouded boat. I saw us on a hilltop, swords at each other’s throat.

I gasped. “No.” I snatched back my hand as if Jasper’s skin singed my fingers. I turned away. I did not want to see any more. My hand shook. I clasped them together.

Jasper opened his eyes. I recognised his longing for the kiss that never quite happened. “Eidothea. I did not expect you to…” His gaze narrowed. “What is it?” he asked. “What did you see?”

“It’s nothing,” I said. “I made a mistake.” I stumbled to my feet. “It’s just a mark, Jasper. Nothing meaningful to it.”

He grabbed my skirt. “Do not lie, Eidothea. You were in my arms before when you had one of your visions. I recognise the symptoms.”

I tugged at my skirt but he had strength enough to keep me by him. I hid my face. I did not know what to do or what to say. Would I see a fresh terrifying vision every time I touched his Mark? He pulled on my skirt again. I let my knees fold and sat beside him again.

“Eidothea,” he murmured. His arm slid around my shoulders. I needed very little cajoling to rest my head on his shoulder. Because of his frailty I did not dare rest all my weight upon him. He stroked my hair. “Whatever it is, this time we will overcome it together.”

I stiffened and pulled away. “Will we? That is not what I saw.”

He remained very still, watching me. “Then tell me. I know I made a horrendous mistake, but if I am of use to you, then use me.”

I eyed him, more than ready to flee this awkward, difficult scene. “Oh, I will,” I promised. No matter how I felt about Jasper, I needed him to save our future. “But I need some time to … to absorb what I have learned today. I need to consult with Mae—the Sage of my Chosen Court. Will you give me that time?”

Jasper gestured at himself ruefully. “Where would I go?”

I nodded. “There is one more matter I need to discuss with you.”

Jasper drew himself erect as best as he was able. I saw pain ricochet across his features.

“I need Father to be present so let us go to his study.”

He nodded. “Lead the way.”

I went ahead, hearing his crutches thud on the wooden floor behind me.

My father watched me enter, leaving the door open for Jasper. He limped to the seat next to mine and sat, balancing his crutches against the chair arm.

“It feels like we have come full circle.” I gestured to the space between the three of us but gazed at Jasper’s bowed head. “Here, we became engaged.”

He started in his chair, turning to me wide-eyed. “You mean to continue with it?”

I clasped my hands tight in my lap. “No, I am ending this engagement. Jasper, I cannot be married to someone who betrayed me. For you did betray me, even if you did not intend to harm me. In any case, I may be living the rest of my life beneath the waves. You cannot follow me there.”

He canted his head. “If I had hope, I would challenge that absolute. It is almost like you want me to follow you there.” At my frown, he added, “I have waited for you.”

I raised a brow. “You thought I was dead.”

“I still hoped.” Jasper picked at the trim on the padded chair arm.

“I have already spoken to Lord Tregallas,” I continued. My chest tightened, a bubble of sorrow threatening to burst. “I trust you will do the right thing and annul this engagement. Speak to the reverend.”

Jasper stared at his hands, shoulders slumping. “Of course. As you wish. I deserve no less.”

I released a quiet, relieved breath. “I will visit again, although it may be some time,” I murmured. My heart ached, filled with pity and something like regret. “Father, may he stay here until then?”

My father looked at my anxious face and Jasper’s downcast expression. “If this is my part to play in avoiding the tragedy you have foreseen then I will do it gladly.”

Jasper made a strangled noise. “I will not be a charity case. I no longer have ties to hold me here.”

“Where will you go with no health, no fortune and no family connections?” Father asked.

“Stay,” I told Jasper. I covered his clenched hand. “If you become a member of the Chosen Court, it would be your duty to remain until I return. Focus on healing and regaining your strength. ”

Jasper’s head hung forward, his unkempt auburn curls concealing his profile. “You would have to trust me again,” he muttered.

My heart spasmed, a mixture of longing and frustrated anger. “You need to trust me too.”

‘Go,’ Father mouthed at me.

I nodded and rose. I hastened to the old smuggler’s tunnel and descended to the sea cave. Two of the Esteemed’s guards awaited me there. I waved them off. I wanted to be alone. I hiccupped a sob and allowed the tears to fall.

When I could cry no more, I looked up. Dressed in my translucent robe, Rhiannon sat on a rock, the same rock Jasper had sat on as he confessed he knew about my being a draig môr. I covered my mouth, holding back fresh sobs at those memories. I had been so wary, so cautious until I threw all that to the winds. I should have listened to the advice of others and stayed well clear of the Tregallas family.

Except… Now I knew he had tried to spare me from Ladon. He even planned to steal back the Greal. Oh, was I making excuses for him now?

Uttering a distressed moan, I started undressing. It took a little work to loosen the stays before I could wriggle free. I piled them neatly where I kept them earlier. I saw Emrys had laid his clothes there along with Rhiannon’s nightgown.

She tossed her robe onto the pile. “Come, the Esteemed is waiting.”

“Was his history lesson interesting?” I asked as we hurried across the rocky beach to the sea.

“Quite.” Rhiannon said. She took my hand. “Your Jasper lives. You have a new set of questions, I see.”

Miserably, I nodded. “So many.” We entered the surf, pushing forward and dove beneath the waves. In our draig môr forms, we swam toward Emrys and his guards.

:You must tell us all about it on the way home.:

:What do you want to show me?: I held off asking the question until Emrys and I returned to the ocean. I dared not ask privately with Eidothea present. She would know something was amiss.

:Be patient. I will show you.:

We had not swum far when we broke the surface, coming ashore on another stony beach, not too dissimilar from the one we had just left. I surveyed its bare expanse, finding no trace of dreigiau môr artefacts, or anything extraordinary.

:This is where I first met Gorawyn.: Emrys strode through the surf and onto the beach. :I wanted you to see it.:

I stared after him, astonished. I lifted my gaze from his bare buttocks in time before he turned to face me. :I thought you met at your birthday ball?:

:Only because I invited her. I was head over tail in love with her already, but she needed convincing.: He surveyed the beach, his faraway gaze suggesting he was already half lost in memories.

:She never said…: I tried to remember, but only stories of the dazzling ball and the handsome prince came to mind. :I was still in training as a bard … This is so far from Caer Morgana.: I strode to stand at his side.

:You know she once loved to roam the seas.: He told me the story of how he had met Gorawyn, then an anonymous young woman, washed up unconscious and wounded on this beach.

In horror of what had happened to her and the depths of her wounds, I sank to the ground, the stones digging into my buttocks. :I never knew…: I breathed.

Emrys’ hands rested warm on my shoulders. He knelt behind me, his bare chest warm on my back. :Nobody was meant to know. My consort needed to be perfect in the eyes of others. You know how beautiful she was.:

I remembered her delicate features, slender limbs and silky dark hair that almost rivalled Emrys’ locks. Most of all, I recalled her startling dark blue eyes.

:I had all her scars healed, except one. What happened to her… it was why she never conceived. The healers could never be certain whether the cause was the violent attack upon her person, or my attempts to stop the bleeding that shut her womb.: I heard the guilt in his thought, saw it in the way he looked down at the dark round stones at his feet. :We kept trying, hoping the damage would mend in time…:

I pushed away, standing up. I appreciated his support in my grief but his nearness distracted me. I needed my mind clear. :This is why she was unhappy. She wanted children and she spoke about how much you wanted them too.: I paused and offered him a hand. He took it and rose. :I know it caused her anxiety but dreigiau môr children are not easy to beget so I thought little of it.: We resumed walking, our feet slipping over the densely packed smooth stones.

:When we realised it was due to her physical inability. I stopped talking about having children, figuring we would eventually adopt a promising cousin and raise them as the next Esteemed, but she must have thought I still longed for it.:

:You did. After all, you never stopped trying.: Gorawyn and I had spoken on about children the last time we met. I snuck a glance at Emrys, wondering what he would be like as a father and as a husband. His naked physicality gave me a little thrill when it shouldn’t have stirred me at all. I gave myself a mental shake. I needed to focus.

:I wondered if you knew that about her, about us. That’s why I wanted to bring you here, to show you the place. It made it easier for me to tell you the story.:

:And to see me naked?: I attempted some levity. I didn’t hide myself. Long hours of memorising songs and practicing instruments had left me with plump and shapely curves. I remembered how his hands had squeezed my hips.

:Of course not.: Emrys looked down at my breasts, and then away, coughing. :Of course not,: he repeated. :We should return to the ocean and wait for Eidothea.:

I didn’t argue. I trudged behind him, his dismissal squeezing my heart. That night had been the potion’s doing. He couldn’t even look at me.

From the cliffs, I watched Eidothea’s naked form dash across the beach alongside another woman. I gripped my crutches. I had not expected my heart would break again, but she most certainly had shattered any remaining illusions.

I wished for, I longed for, I wanted to go back and make different decisions and protect her as I should have, with boldness and not deceit. An impossibility and yet the brief time we spent together today made me wish for the impossible. The way she’d rested her head on my shoulder…

I groaned. I considered flinging myself off the cliff but it would make for an agonising end, and I would still feel this heart-deep pain until I breathed my last.

I hobbled back to the house and retrieved the brandy decanter from the dining room. I made the slow journey back upstairs to my room — her room — to drink myself into oblivion. I write these words first and then may I forget this day utterly.

Could any more hearts possibly break in these diaries? What do we think Eidothea’s vision means? Do we think that Goldman lifted Jasper’s “as you wish” for The Princess Bride? Recalling this is an historic document I’m transcribing. Other thoughts about today’s instalment? Comments? Share below or join the Chat!

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